Priorities

My friend told me the other day her priorities are herself, her husband, and then her kids, in that order. She is undisputably a fantastic mother with adorable, intelligent children who clearly are not suffering from this arrangement, in case you are concerned. I was impressed with her clarity.

Of course, I paused for thought and compared myself with this pecking order. My priorities are currently: myself, my children, and then my husband; although this is a fairly new scenario. Up until a few years ago, it would have been more like my kids, my husband, and lastly, myself. It has taken me a while to find my footing, and to realize that putting yourself first is not mutually exclusive to being a good mother.

I never was cut out to be the sacrificial lamb I had become.

And so I have shifted these priorities without warning my husband. It has naturally unfolded over the last few years, and in fairness to him, I think he is wondering who the hell I am and where did his docile wife run off to?

I see this and almost even understand his bewilderment, although my patience wears thin quickly when we discuss the issue (He tells me I am wrong to prioritize myself, I tell him to fuck off. You get the gist).

So in short, I take part of the responsibility for our predicament. I have been a moving target, in all fairness. But I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, like I have regained my chutzpah that had temporarily gone missing. In many ways, my relationship notwithstanding, I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I have no intention of returning to the shadow of my former self that I had mistakenly become.

Like me or leave me, I tell him, and to my chagrin he doesn't seem to be going anywhere.